Dear Mum and Dad,

Tonight once I again I laid in bed unable to sleep as this filthy dread came over me. I knew why it was there for the thoughts of what lead to it haunt me everyday; penetrating each thought that I have making it harder and harder for me to push on, willing myself to breathe.
I don’t understand what either of you was thinking at many points in my life.
To mum I ask you; why didn’t you protect me? Things were bad for me at home with **** and you knew, as you were there everyday but the actions that you took were either small or non-existent or completely passive where you’d seek someone else to take control of the situation because it’d gotten out of hand. Did you ever think that maybe if you’d put more effort into me and what I needed when I was younger that the majority of the problems would’ve sorted themselves out?
To dad I ask you; why were you so apathetic? I lived with mum and it hadn’t worked out but it took you so long to be willing to bring me to live with you. I still remember being 10 years old and you promising me that when I was 12 I could live with you. That didn’t happen. I remember being 12 and sobbing into the phone because I couldn’t be with you. I remembered the promise you’d made, mum remembered the promise you’d made and I’m sure you remembered the promise you’d made but it didn’t come to fruition. You had excuses and you wanted to delay it… I knew then what I couldn’t put into words until now. You were always going to put yourself first. It could never be me. I’d get a bone that’s for sure but nothing substantial.
To mum I ask you; why were you so willing to let me go? I knew that I wanted to go and now I see that it could’ve been the right thing for me but you were so willing to let me go. Your logic was that it was what I wanted. But who gives a child what they want? How was I as a child supposed to know what was best for me? It started when I was very young that logic that harmed me for so long. Even when you lived with dad I remember once you shaved off all my hair and I cried in the hairdresser but they couldn’t stop once they’d started. Why was it done? Because it’s what I wanted. I was 5! Don’t think I don’t remember you using me for it though. I still remember clearly you taking me through the KFC drive thru with all my hair shaved off and a cancer-bandana on and asking for free food. Don’t pretend it didn’t happen; I do remember. Why when you needed the house clean throughout primary school did you keep me home to clean it with offers of money rewards? How is that responsible parenting?
To dad I ask you; why when I came to live with you did you continue to abandon me? I came to live with you and you were rarely there for me. I had to spend so much time with ****, a women who hated me because you were never home. She was cruel to me and completely neglected my emotional needs. You knew about it because I told you about it. You’d deny it fiercely when you were sober or when other people were around but during the night when you’d come home drunk and wake me up to chat you’d admit that she was cruel and mean and that you would talk to her about it for me. NOTHING ever happened. It was all lies. You blamed me, you always blamed me. I tried really hard with her. I remember you coming into my room at 9 PM one night saying yourself and **** needed to talk to me. Someone had sent **** a text message calling her a “slut” or something similar sent from her own mobile phone to herself and you “knew” it was me. It wasn’t me, it was never me. The whole time you were blaming me she smiled with such a smug look… That was the first time I knew it was not going to work. You picked me up from The Jolimont Centre always after I’d visited someone in Sydney and you’d always say something about how **** and you would hope it’d be different this time. Once you told me that “**** had complained that I never said ‘hello’ when I came back”. I knew it wasn’t true but you said regardless I should since **** was going to be civil. So like every time before when I got home I said “hi” to ****. Do you know what happened Dad? She ignored me. You lost your shit and we went for a drive but the next day the issue was over as far as you and **** were concerned. Thanks for the help dad it really meant a lot.
My days living with you were worse then living with **** by a long shot. **** might’ve been cruel and have no idea how to relate but you were absent and **** was cold and calculating.
Then I left.
I don’t even remember what sparked the fight but it lead to me leaving. I remember you coming into my room and screaming at me and throwing me down onto the bed and pushing the hot light globe into my arm (still got the scar) yelling at me the whole time. Then **** was in the door and she told you to not leave any marks because then I had something I could tell the school about and you could get into trouble. I went to school the next day and only told a couple of friends what’d been happening. They went with me at the end of the day to tell the Principal who sent me home with one of my friends for the weekend and said she’d call you and we’d work it out on Monday (I know now from what you’ve told me that she never called) and that I was not to contact you. Came back on Monday saw some workers came home after school with them and you signed me over. Once again it was what I WANTED. Because you know, we should always listen to 14 year olds when they tell us what they want.
I went to live in a refuge then. Sleeping on a mattress on the floor. Living in a group home with mostly a couple of juvenile criminals (one for attempted murder and one for stealing a car then having a 1 hour 45 police chase) but the occasional prostitute and run away came through. I asked you after I visited you once if I could come back. You said no that that wasn’t possible. That’s right dad you’ll listen to 14 year olds when it’s convenient for you and means you get to “keep the peace” at home but when your son needs you because he’s feeling pretty shitty you’re not there.
I spent 4 months there before I was sent into a foster home. I was there for two weeks as the guy had a stroke after I’d been there for a couple of hours. Then I was in another home. Who was I sharing this home with? Two physical disabled girls and one mentally disabled boy (I had to share a room with him. He was 17 with the mental capacity of a two year old and needed to wear diapers). Where was my dad when I was going through this? Having a nice happy family at home and enjoying friendship and a good job.
Now back to you mum. Here I was in a pretty uncomfortable situation. I came to visit you at the end of Term 3 Year 9 and you said that I could live with you. You then sent me to a school that was awful and I hated (you yourself have said some pretty awful things about it now) and when I left rather then doing what you did with **** and **** and **** and sending me to a Private School that was MUCH more comfortable and better off you take me to a school that was far away, introduce me to a family of nuts and send me to live with my grandmother. If I didn’t already have abandonment issues I’d sure as Hell have them now!
So lived with Nan during the week and you on weekends. Until we had a fight and I took a USB that connected you to the internet with me to Nan’s for a week. You and ****’s response? Let’s kick you out at 10 PM at night! See you! Once again top points for being a stand up mum and good person. Here I was at 15 feeling completely dejected by my parents, living with my grandmother during the week and sleeping on trains/bus benches/in older men’s beds on the weekend.
Then it gets even better!
Nan didn’t want me there permanently or even semi-permanently. So she says she needs a break to go to Vincentia and will be leaving me at Nan and Grandad’s for a couple of weeks. They realized from the get-go that she wasn’t coming back to get me but I didn’t. Nan (****) kept hinting but it took until the end of those couple of weeks for me to realize that I should probably unpack my bags since now I’m stuck having been rejected by family again. I didn’t want to be there but that didn’t matter because this is where I was dumped.
I stayed there for about 6 months where things were all right. The gay thing plus them not understanding that I was getting harassed/beaten up at school lead to quite a few fights in one of which Nan told me that I should go. It didn’t matter that she took it back after because it’d been said and I knew that she’d meant it (as is signified now by the complete lack of any relationship between them and I). So at just past 16 with no parents to step in just some soft words against what I was doing by a concerned aunt I moved in with a 36 year old guy and did drugs, drunk lots of alcohol and had unprotected sex with many men who were much older then me and I who I knew nothing about for almost two years. Fun! (please, not the sarcasm)
Then I left to pursue a much healthier relationship which is where I am now. But I have no formal education and a completely fucked up mind as a result of all the shit that’s gone done. You try holding down a job when you feel like you’re going to piss yourself when you have to sit down for more then half hour with other people; it sucks.
So what’s the point of this letter?
Simple. I hate what you did. I resent you for what you did. I need you to understand the pain that you caused me and understand how complete fucked up it is.

Me.