Hey guys. How are you doing?
Because well, honestly, I had a bit of a freak out this week.
As sick as I am of talking about it, sometimes this pandemic has honestly thrown me for such a wild loop at a time in my life when I was already experiencing so much change (not to mention that, contrary to my usual happy demeanor, I tend to be a bit of an anxious person!).
And yet, at the same time, I instantly feel guilty complaining about any of it because I still have so much to be grateful for!
Not only am I still employed, I had just started my new job at an amazing new company doing what I love and we just moved into this great, big new condo.
I get to work from home all day every day with my boyfriend and soak up all this extra time I don’t normally get to spend with him and take breaks to play with our cat.
I truly feel for those who are going through a much harder time than I am as this has really been so horrible for the world.
But also, there are just days when I feel so anxious about everything as the unknown is one of the things I tend to worry about the most (which I know is a complete waste of time, but my feelings go ahead and put that worry to the forefront of my mind anyway).
And then I immediately beat myself up about a number of different things.
Why am I not being more productive with my time? Why am I more tired than ever even though I now have all this time to sleep? Why don’t I do the things I always say I’m going to do “if only I had the time?”
Why am I expressing anything but gratitude for everything I still have right now?
On a good day, I’m able to give myself grace and remind myself that:
- No one alive has ever been through something like this (I don’t think?) and that we are all just charting completely unfamiliar territory as best as we can.
- That everything is currently not right in the world and there’s no reason to force ourselves to pretend like it is all the time, and
- That it’s okay to be upset about all of it; about all of the canceled trips and time that could be spent with family and friends.
That IT’S OKAY TO FREAK OUT.
What we feel is how we feel and while it’s good to try to stay positive, sometimes when that feeling is overwhelming, it’s time to give ourselves a moment to just surrender ourselves to it – to let ourselves go through the motions necessary to accept what we cannot control, at least for right now.
But on my bad days, I invalidate my own feelings and tell myself that I don’t have the right to feel that way because it could be much worse.
So here’s a reminder for you and for me to know that just because your situation could be worse, it doesn’t mean you don’t have the right to let yourself freak out – at least for a little bit. You are allowed to feel more than one thing at once, even if those feelings totally contradict themselves, and still be totally valid in that mixture of feelings.
And also know that, even if you do have a freak out moment, you are – in a sense – still expressing gratitude because you’ve come to the realization that the life you still have to look forward to after this is over is worth freaking out over!
Keep hanging in there during this time and thanks for reading about my thoughts on this coronavirus!
How have you been feeling about all of this?